It was a long day today

I had a pretty long day today.  Won't go into the boring details.  Just trust me it was long.
Not bad or anything.  Just long.
I think it had a lot to do with the hours and hours I spent on my hands and knees weeding the arse out of my garden yesterday.  I'm not a weeder normally.  Ask anyone.  In fact I've probably only done it twice in my whole life.  By the time it was all over my back, knees and fingers felt like they needed to be admitted to the local rest home for an extended stay of complete bed rest and liquid food to recover.
That was yesterday.   I was dreading today.  Today I'm feeling it in my thighs and lower back.
Nothing too serious but it would be a shame not to exaggerate the groans as I stand and sit for my families benefit.  They need to know how bloody hard I worked yesterday.  Thank you very much.
So tonight after my long day I figured I deserved a long, hot soak in the tub.
Picture this.  Pissing down rain on the roof.  Thunder and lightning even.  Candles lit on every surface of the bathroom.  Running a big deep bath.  Added some Epsom salts for my aching muscles (yes I'm 70! and what?) Had some nice kiwi music playing softly for ambiance.  My book is at the ready.
I can feel myself relaxing already.  I go to climb in and WTF? the bloody hot water has run out half way thru the filling so now I'm stuck with a very pathetic Luke warm bath.  Which to a bath connisure (?) like myself is just basically Shit house.  The worst kind of Shit house.  "Well too bad" I said out loud to the universe with maybe a few other words containing letters like KCUF and possibly some that may or may not have sounded a bit like Brother Ducker added to the statement.  "I will not be a victim, I am having a bloody bath" so I sat in my crappy bath and pretended like everything was freaken awesome until I couldn't handle it any longer and hypothermia seemed like a very real possibility.
Thank god for electric blankets and my wonderful mum sending me supplies to replenish my hidden Chocolate Supply.  I needed it right now.  Nothing fixes a long day and aching muscles like a whole bag of Whittakers White Chocolate and Raspberry mini slabs.

Just did some casual weeding.  No biggie!

Cinderella the Shitbag Teenager

So it would be fair to say we have had our share of drama to contend with where our Teenager is concerned over the past few months.  Don't get me wrong there have been a few good days in amongst all that as well.  But I just can't seem to recall them.  Perhaps I was dreaming. 
Evil out ways the Good.
I remember something the amazing 'Nigel Latta' once said "Teenagers just aren't right in the head". 
I agree.  One minute shes all sweet and light and the next she is a head spinning version of the exorcist.
Feet stomp like a 5 year old when asked to do anything.  Loud dramatic huffing and puffing can be heard down the street I'm sure.  It is a normal occurrence to have her mid-dishes declare at the top of her lungs "Aaarrgggh I'm just soooo frustrated...I need 5 minutes alone" stomp stomp door slam and Teenager disappears (and when after a quick game of 'paper scissors rock' one parent draws the short straw and has to venture into her pit of death bedroom to explain to her that she better bloody come and finish the job she has left half completed) it's quite normal to find her face down on her bed like her world is so bloody hard and we are ruining her life by making her put her hands in hot soapy water to clean dishes that "She didn't even use?!"
Inhale Exhale.  I often have visions of tying her to the wheelie bin just in time for Friday morning collection.  I have found some wisdom over the years.  Teenagers are a lot like babies.  If they are sleeping.  Don't you dare wake them up.  I let her sleep as long as she can on a Sunday.  Just for the peace we all get.
But today was a good day, so thought I should probably document it just in case its years before we have another like it. 

I couldn't get her off this once she got the hang of it

Scrubbing out the green slime from the Chooks water Clam

Sweeping even

Folded Washing

Vacuuming

This was the end of the day...Starting to lose her sparkle

Even cooked a delicious dinner

 Do you think she wants something?? Like maybe her Stereo power cord back or the new Wifi Password perhaps.  I think Aliens stole my teenager and replaced her with a new one.  One that's not broken.  I like those Aliens.

The Great Undie Massacre

A couple of weeks ago I'd had enough.  That was it.  No more.  Something snapped, not my waist elastic but my patience and I decided that the Undies I had been wearing for the past 20 years needed to be exorcised.  These were my Undies from 5th Form.  Yup 5th Form.  I was 15 when I bought them?!  Some might be saying "Wow she stills fits her undies from when she was 15?!" and tempted as I am to let you go on believing that,  alas it's not quite as glamorous as it sounds...I don't care how much quality Bendon put into their underwear back then, they were never supposed to survive 2 Children and 20 yrs.  All that wear and pregnancies had stretched those bad boys into a holey, sad, depressed but dependable heap. 
They had become the Street kids of my Undie drawer, the homeless living under a bridge, the orphans, the ones no one wants to be friends with.
 It's not like I haven't bought other more comfortable, exciting pairs for my arse during these 20 years but somehow those old ones would retreat to the bottom of the drawer whenever the new fancy ones were put in and then slowly creep there way back up to the top when I ran out of clean washing. I'm surprised they haven't sacrificed themselves sooner by leaping from the open drawer, landing on the floor then scurrying under my wardrobe like one of all my bloody pair of socks have done!
It's not like they didn't know they were the last one picked for the team, the ugly ones, the Great-Aunt with a beard. It must've been obvious due to my dramatic sighing and the husbands screams of terror whenever they were pulled from the depths to feel the sunlight for a brief moment.
So I finally did it, I went out and spent $117 at the Farmers sale and purchased 7 brand spanking new pairs and before they were taken out of the bag, I had an Undie drawer Massacre.  I pretty much burnt those monstrosities on the stake, i sacrificed those demons, I threw them out with the dishwater, I put them out of their/my misery and God it felt Goood! I felt free.  I felt alive.  Now my drawer is a happy, colourful, comfortable place to venture each morning. I don't have to hide them amongst the towels on the clothes line so the neighbours won't see anymore.  I highly recommend a routine purge of all that old stuff.  It's amazing how a nice new pair of scants can lift your mood!

No 1 Fan Girl

I have this mental disorder when ever I meet someone who has been on TV.  I'm not even talking big celebrities or anything, if they have been on anything even an ad,  my brain just can't cope.  I blame society and the Woman's weekly for unrealistic fame stigmas and I'm a total sucker for it.
The reason I'm thinking about how stupid I act when standing in front of someone famous is because this weekend I get to be bridesmaid at my besties wedding Wedding No 7 and she and her soon to be husband cavort quite regularly with people who have been on the box.  Which also means I will be standing up and doing a speech in front of those friends.  I'm getting hives thinking about it.  They tell me they are just normal people and my brain totally gets that but when I actually get to have a small moment with anyone slightly famous I turn into a 14 yr old girl standing in front of One Direction.  I get all nervous and say the dumbest shit in a stupid voice and as much as I say to myself "Play it cool Shelley" that's the exact opposite of what I end up doing. 
The conversation pretty much always goes like this:
Them: Hi, How are you?
Me: Gulp Oh my god you've been on TV????
Them: ahhh yeah
Me: No you have actually been on TV????
Them: Yip nervous laugh
Me: That's so cool, I've totally seen you!!! manic laugh
Them: Rigggght Thanks awkward silence
Me: still manic laughing, staring and bright red cause now I've got nothing else to say.
I think half the problem stems from my unrealistic expectations for myself.  Whenever I have got to meet someone awesome in the music industry, just before the meeting I think to myself...this time I'm going to be so funny and awesome that they will want to invite me backstage and hang out and be best friends forever?! Ummm yip its fair to say that due to my disturbing behavior that will never happen in my lifetime.
 I'm a 36 yr old woman who can quite happily meet and greet strangers on a daily basis, I can answer phones no problem, doesn't faze me to walk into a party and make conversation with new people so why oh why do I get my spaz on when talking to a famous person?!
Imagine if I ever got to meet someone super famous like Madonna OK chances are slim but pretty sure her security would be all over me pretty bloody quickly.

Tell me the most famous person you have ever met and were you cool or a spaz like me?

Happy Jesus Day

Soooo Easter is almost upon us, although every year I'm never really sure just when it is, due to the fact that the super markets have huge displays of Chocolate Eggs of every mouth watering shape or form from about boxing day.  Its strange, I'm such a Chocoholic and will buy copious amounts of chocolate blocks or bars, storing them in different hidey spots so I don't have to share with any of my off spring, but I won't buy delicious looking Easter Eggs until the week before and certainly won't eat any until the actual day.  I think that stems from Childhood rules which are obviously strictly ingrained for some bizarre reason.
The one Eastery thing we do however gorge ourselves on from as early as poss is Hot Cross Buns.  Not being huge fans of fruit in bread we tend to spend our money on the plain or Chocolate Chip varieties.  Heated with lots of artery clogging butter melted on top.  They just stay fresher longer. Although I'm only guessing about that fact, as they are inhaled pretty quick in my household.
Which brings me to a very fun opportunity for my divine readers to get in on the Hot cross bun action.
 The Wonderful people at Bakers Delight have given me some $10 vouchers to give away so that 3 of you can add some yummy treats to your Easter Weekend.
Drop me a comment about your plans for Easter this year or what your favourite baked item at Bakers Delight is and I will randomly choose 3 Names from a official looking hat, drawn by the 7yr old and will get those vouchers sent out in time for Jesus Day...What fun what fun!

Fly or Buy

It's the besties Hens night in Auckland on Saturday night and as soon as I knew about it I was straight online to book flights to get me amongst it. Unfortunately even weeks ago airfares were on the stupid side of not right. I refuse to pay $299 to get to Auckland when I could get to bloody Australia for less than that. So figured I would pull a 'Wilson' special and bowl on in to the airport early and grab a standby fare. The husband does it all the time with no drama and its only $69. Why oh why universe am I still sitting here 5 hrs later. Such Murphy's Law the one time I decide to throw caution to the wind, live for the now, spur of the moment and all that...every other person on the planet is traveling to Auckland from Christchurch as well *sigh. Don't they know I've got some serious Girly shit to attend too, which may or may not include shoe shopping, booze and plenty of quality blah blah! What to do when faced with 5 hours of waiting at an airport. Well I had a double cheeseburger combo for breakfast so I can't go back to Burger King without a disguise or at least until the staff change shifts. The husband has forbidden me to go into that gorgeous shop downstairs called toi toi but maybe that's a good thing cause the lady behind the counter was starting to look at me suspiciously due to how long I spent salivating over the jewellery and bags just before. It's a funny thing, at home I could easily spend 5 hours reading if my pesky family didn't keep interrupting me for food and other ridiculous attention seeking ploys, but now that I actually could sit and get stuck into a few chapters I'm just not that into it. The husband has also made matters worse by telling me that I should get a bus from the airport to the besties workplace as it would be cheaper than the shuttle/limo I had envisioned. God I can see that ending in tears. I sux at directions and buses, i don't cope with strangers and personal space and I never know which bus to get on and which stop to get off...Fark ill probably end up in Whangarei. But back to life at the airport.. I have secured a spot beside a wall with a plug so i can keep my phone on full battery which has enabled me to facecrack to my hearts content and to catch up on the last couple of weeks of 'Ellen' on YouTube.
Perhaps if I go buy a hat from the tourist shop, I can go get another burger?!

Help! The bugs seem to be winning

Our house is being held hostage by a disgusting Spew Bug.  I went down first on Sunday morning followed by the 7yr old 12 hours later. You forget in between bouts of death sickness like this just how suxy and violent vomiting can be.  It was hot sweats, tears rolling, nothing left to puke puking.  and spending a whole day lying down with nothing going in and everything coming out, your pretty much left with just a shell of a person.    I'm so pleased that I was heading towards the end of my dose when the 7yr started his and I knew he was going to be next cause he was all teary and extra cuddly at bedtime.  I had kept myself quarantined with the door shut all day and when he did venture in to say Goodnight I even cuddled him with the duvet over my face to try and prevent the bugs from spreading but Noooo.  10:30pm a little body came in already heaving.  Its amazing how your mothering skills take over even when your feeling like you've been run over by a bus. There is this energy store that kicks in and I was straight out of bed not unlike someone off a special K commercial bowl in hand ushering him to the bathroom.  I'm holding the bowl with one hand and wetting a cold face cloth with the other.  Once that was sorted I had to get him a drink, put a towel on his bed for him to sleep on.  Didn't want to risk poo stained sheets at 1am and tucking him back in.  Which unfortunately was exactly what I did end up with at 1am.  Once I had time to collapse back into bed my brain caught up with my body and started screaming "What the Fuck just happened...Thanks for the warning lady...I thought we were out of action!?".  It was like I had run round the block 7 times.  I was heavy breathing, smelt like a foot and had some pretty impressive hot sweats its fair to say I wasn't at my most attractive When your still recovering from the bug its bloody nice to have a set of husband hands to help and help he did but while he was dry retching in our bathroom after wrapping the boy in a towel and carrying him to the toilet I'm actually surprised he didn't opt for a tarp out of the garage someone had to change all the sheets and clean the 7yr olds legs, make a new bed up and clean the spew bowl for the 4th time.  God I'm a solider! Right?! So no first day back at school for the son, bumma cause pretty much that's the one and only day all kids want to go to school.  Spew Bugs officially Sux!