The Dance of the Doormat

It's Saturday morning, my sleep in day and I'm sitting here fuming! Again!
It's so true what they say about "Dogs having masters and Cats having Servants".
My kids are way old enough to get up quietly, get there own breakfast and blob out in front of Saturday morning TV without needing to disturb me.  Those clever children worked out from an early age that Mummy doesn't do mornings.  Unfortunately my cat 'Moon Goon' completely ignores that fact.  EVERY morning usually round the 5am mark she begins her daily torture training .  It starts with her leaving the 7yr olds bed and stealthily jumping up onto the end of ours, she will then pad up over my body and leap onto the top of our bedhead right above my face.  She will sit for a minute.  I can subconsciously feel her death stare but I pretend I can't.  Its like my first warning which I desperately try to ignore.  If she gets no reaction from me she will then leap noisily across to the top of my drawers and start systematically knocking shit off.  I then grab whatever is closest to me a pillow.. a book.. a dinosaur and throw it at her to get her to jump down.  She waits 5 minutes or so for me to fall back into a deep slumber and then begins the circuit all over again.  In my head I know that I should just get up and let her out the first time but I have this stubborn part of me that says "Don't be a victim to the cat, she will not win this time!" This continues for a good hour or so until I can't take it any longer, throw back my warm duvet, deliver a resigned "OMG Moon Fuck off" and stomp down the hallway with the cat miaowing lovingly through my legs and let her into the lounge.  Sometimes if the husband is home and he is in a deep sleep, I can nudge him forcefully and say "the cat wants out" and he seems to jump up on autopilot and go open the door.  I'm not sure he even wakes up.  Its awesome.  But as he is away 4 nights a week, so the rest of the time she just trains me.
Every morning I think tonight I'm going to make her sleep in the lounge but as she is coming up 19 and realistically we probably don't have heaps more time with her I just can't do it.  She's bloody lucky she's lasted this long with all her early morning wake up calls.

Roses are Red Violets are Blue...

These are some poems I have written for different events.  I wanted to include them in my blog in case I lose the bits of paper they are written on.

The first was my bridesmaid speech at my sister and brother-in-laws wedding....

For Cushla

 

Once upon a time Girl meets Boy

They have a quick pash

O Joy O Joy

They meet again 

with years gone by

He asks for her phone number

She says "nice try"

Cushla is cautious of this tall blond dude

cause he had a girlfriend last time they were in the nude.

He asks her 3 times

he's a persistent guy

Cushla thought I might give him a try

She decides to give this eager man a chance

and third time lucky he scores a horizontal dance.

Since that date they're future has soarn

New bed, New fridge, First house with a lawn

A Cat and some Ants

and yet to be decided just who wears the pants?

Now they are planning a wedding with so much to do

and Simon god love him just doesn't have a clue

Vows and Flowers

Bridesmaids and Booze

Table Cloths and Tie Colours

its all good news.

The Beach and the skate ramp

we'll all dance to the band

This wedding will be amazing

and its all by your hand

Your a busy girl, but you've always got time

for a friend in need and a bottle of wine

Don't ever change please

we love you, your the biz

We know to share life with you

how lucky Simon is

Cushla I'm so proud to be part of your life 

and I know you'll be Simon's most fabulous wife

For Simon

Simon Simon where do I start?

The YMCA, Cashel St, the house at Broadpark

Our flats were all feral 

but we wouldn't have had it any other way

I still love every second of it to this very day

In the winter it was three to a bed

with Hedgehogs running underneath

and Rats overhead.

Mushrooms on the bathroom floor

and Stolen locks off a flatmates door

Broken noses from a steel cap boot

late night missions bought home lots of loot.

The power was never on and the dishes weren't done

but when we had a party everyone had fun

Simon your now officially my brother in law

but you've always been a huge part of world and so much more

So to finish I send you both love, sunshine and light

and I know your life together will be perfect and right.

The next was for another Sister-in-laws Hens lunch....

For Becky

Here we all are

At Becky's High Tea

Some might say "your way to young"

Others might say "finally!"

Shes Aunty Becky to my little clan

We are forever her biggest fans

Shes clever with colours and fabrics and socks

Did you see all the cute toys she made and sold in the shops

Jamie and Becky up a tree

K I S S I N G

First came Wainoni Rd and Sonny

Then the kids, Forfar St and Pocket Money

She has learnt to fold tea towels in the correct Wilson way

And to first read all the different brochures on Grocery day

Becky is also one of those busy working mums

By day she teaches our kids to read, write and do sums

But when the bell rings

Off she must flee

To pick up her babies and cook them some tea

Now the wedding gets closer and feels o so real

And vows and rings will seal the deal

They're tying the knot, they'll be in Wedded Bliss

She'll be a Mrs and no longer a Miss

Soon you'll officially be my Sister in law

One Wanny, Two Wanny, Three Wanny....Floor!

This warm, caring, generous girl

Who is strong and funny and clever;

Loves shopping, Beautiful things, wine and her babies

From the 20th, will be Jamie's forever.

And so to finish, I send you love, sunshine and light

And I know your life together will be perfect and right.

This last one I wrote for my Mums 60th Birthday...

I figured I couldn't get away 

without doing a poem for your birthday

Mum your usually the one in our family to do speeches

so I hope this one, your standard it reaches

Welcome to Mums Birthday Weekend

A woman we all love and on who I depend

A mother who consistently put toast under my nose

in an everyday hope to get me in my school clothes

Mum was amazing and bought all the best food

And even when we were ratbags

I don't remember her in a bad mood

We had trips to the river, the beach and the pool

No seat belts, No sunblock, No helmets, one rule....

Be home when the streetlights come on before dark

So we'd race on our bikes from the school or the park.

I remember her sitting with a smile or fear on her face

as she endured yet another ballet recital or stock car race.

Me and Dean are now grown and have our own families born

Mike, Tayla, Ems, Hols, Rose, Indy, Ben, Pippa and Sean

So now mum is an awesome Nana to seven

And those kids think your sent straight down from heaven

Lollies, chips, ice cream and jelly just to start

Sante biscuits and fruit cake all play their part.

You and dad are always first in line

to watch our kids and help them shine.

You sit through sports and dancing, nothings too hard

From concerts in the family room or climbing trees in the front yard.

Number 4 Coleman St is where we all belong

Just like how Dave Dobbyn sings "welcome home" in his song.

Your an Aunty, a Nana, a sister, a wife

I would be lost without you, your the light of my life

So to finish I send you love, laughter and light

And I hope all your wishes come true when you blow out your candles tonight.

Eye Spy my Sanity

My post the other day got me thinking about my car and the things that go on in it.  A friend of mine to make me feel better after baring my soul to you about my man belch confessed that she is a dedicated nose picker when inside her vehicle.  It did make me feel better.  Grot Bags Unite.  Its a funny thing the old car, its like once you shut those doors and turn the key you feel like your in some weird 'Get Smart' bubble, forgetting that your actually surrounded by windows and unless your all gangsta and have tinted those bad boys you have to remember that if you can see other drivers then they can see you.  So when a good song comes on the radio and I become 'Katy Perry' then I shouldn't be totally surprised when random strangers start pointing and laughing.  Luckily for me I usually have 3 Children to control my madness and in particular a son who doesn't say a word but gets his feelings across just by giving me the most disgusted look whilst leaning over and turning the radio off.  He can be such a buzz kill.  That control of the radio is one of the biggest rewards for fighting to the death to get to ride shotgun by my kids.  As soon as I start to move towards my bag and pick up my keys the shouts begin "CAN I BE IN THE FRONNNNNTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!" they then bolt out the door, hurdling animals and outdoor funiture to get to that coveted position of having the first hand on the car just to seal their spot.  Cries of "THATS NOT FAIRRRR" "HE WAS IN THE FRONT LAST TIME" "BAGS THE FRONT ON THE WAY BACK" assault my ears 1000 times a day.
Maybe I need to assign Front seat jobs like having a little bottle of spray and wipe in the glove box and the kid in the front has to wipe down all the surfaces and clean the window or maybe that person has to hold my microphone/banana for the entire journey? 
The other thing that drives me to drink although not in the car obviously is that the 7yr old feels like he must be entertained the whole journey.  30 seconds after pulling out of our street he is all like "What can I do?" "This is boring" "I'm hungry" I've had to go cold turkey on his ass because the first thing he was doing once settled on his throne in the front was to rifle through my bag to find my phone and play games.  Now to be honest it was awesome. He was quiet and left the radio alone but I had this nagging mother guilt that he was starting to become a iphone junkie and this was proven when I astounded him by saying "No you can't have my phone" he just looked at me like "are you fucken crazy lady?" and then spent the whole trip obssessing and whining about not having it.  I started to have wonderful visions of stopping and tying him to the roof racks.  So to take his mind off it we went back to playing old school car games like 'eye spy' but if I have to guess one more "I spy with my little eye something beginning with BBD" (answer = Big Brown Dog!!) or referee whether or not that car was white or silver during 'Car Cricket' we may never make it home again. There's really only so many red cars you can count without feeling like driving head on into one.  Next car ride I will probably just go back to giving him my phone, he and I both know I can't keep up this brady bunch shit much longer.

Pardon me

 Today was one of those days when there seems like there's so much to do and not enough time in the day to do them.  I had worked all morning filming lectures at the uni and had to quickly race home to grab my t-shirt and gumboots to work the afternoon at DogWatch which meant eating my lunch on the run whilst driving from one to the other.
Picture this..I'm driving along listening to the radio, beautiful sunny day so I've got my window down, singing along to Pink 'Blow me one last kiss'.  I'm stopped at a red light so took that opportunity to scoff down a banana.  Now lets be honest no one can eat a banana without looking a wee bit dodgy so combining my starvation and singing at the same time I downed that naana pretty bloody impressively.  Because of this quick consumption I ended it with a surprisingly massive burp.  A burp that any beer drinking man would've been proud of.  The sort of burp that even I thought "Holy Shit that was a big one" I then heard a snort and looked over to find a smiling man staring at me from the inside of his car which was stopped beside me also parked at the lights, he said "Good Effort Shelley!" Damn you personalised plates.  So fucken devasted!  The lights couldn't change fast enough!
I don't know if I was more embarressed at the burp, my singing or the fact that someone saw me inhale a banana like some housewife on a porno? I know it will be one of those moments that I will keep reliving everytime I close my eyes over and over in my head like some mental nightmare.
To that man I apologise that the universe decided to time our days to meet in that particular moment, I'm sure it was a great story to take back to work with you *sigh

A few things that make me laugh so hard I nearly pee

People who try to use umbrellas in strong wind.  I love sitting at the lights in my nice warm car watching people wrestle with them.  Like seriously give it up.  If its inside out your pretty much never going to be able to fix it.  Umbrella + Rain = Success buuut Umbrella + Rain and Wind = snort fizzy out your nose HILLARIOUS

Quality TV Shows like: Modern Family, Hamish & Andy, Miranda, Flight of the Concords, 7 Days or anything with Ricky Gervais in it.  LAUGH OUT LOUD GOODNESS!

When people Gag.  Never gets old.

The contestants on Wipe Out trying to get over the big balls.  How those people don't end up in hospital I'll never know.  Keep em coming.

 A memory I have of being 15 during the school holidays with two of my besties.  Back then in Hastings you could ring up a video van and they would come round and park in your driveway.  We would climb inside the claustrophobic back area with the driver and choose some random VHS tapes or Sega Master System Games.  The whole concept totally appealed to our lazy teenage bones.  This one time we all climbed aboard and silently started perusing through the many titles on offer.  At this moment one friend accidentally or on purpose let out a massive fart!  The culprit and the other bestie lost it and those bitches bolted out the back door deserting me.  I couldn't even look at the video man.  Out the corner of my eye through the van windows I could see and hear them rolling around on the front lawn like demented Hyenas.  I just grabbed the first two videos closest to me, trying to act like everything was cool, all the while trying not to breath in.  when really all I wanted to do was fake an injury and commando roll the fuk out of there.  I'm pretty sure that was the last time we ever called that van again.

Things that make me frown

My son asking everyday for one of those ugly angry birds hat things they sell in the malls.

The fact that we are actually still debating Gay Marriage.  How can it not be the same for everyone yet?  Whats to debate? Lets get this shit sorted.  Happy Humans should be able to marry other Happy Humans.  End of story.

Kids going to school with no breakfast or lunch?  Not OK!

Merging and closing schools in Christchurch...Really? WTF?

My delicious dog after a year and a half still doesn't understand she ISN'T ALLOWED IN THE FUCKEN KITCHEN!

My husband likes to leave weird little hair balls on random surfaces in our house.  They freak me out.

Watching people spit on the footpath. That's so wrong.  It makes me gag.

Our justice system.  Or lack of.

People who don't indicate.  I may have mentioned that before.

How much Power, Petrol and Food costs these days *sigh

enough of the frowning! Hope you guys are having a happy day :)

 

Toothpicks please

So it was my 36th birthday yesterday and I'm sitting here with toothpicks holding my eyes open while I try and recall it.  I think it was a pretty good day as far as birthdays go but my brain is all fuzz due to the 7 yr old sleeping with me last night.  It all started at his bedtime when half an hour after lights out he apparently thought his roof was leaking.  I explained that it hadn't been raining so that was pretty much impossible.  He insisted I was wrong and since I'd had a long day on my feet working at the Food Show and all I really wanted to do was blob on the couch, eat some Burger King and watch 'offspring' I quickly decided the last thing on my list was trying to win an argument at nine o clock at night so just told him to go get into my bed. Drama over I thought.  Its been awhile since the 7yr old has been in my bed.  We used to do that all the time when the husband was away.  It stopped the exact moment he started grinding his teeth in this sleep.  Some nights I can hear him from his bedroom. DISGUSTING.  We may need to invest in some sort of mouth guard at some stage or at the very least sound proof our walls.  It can't be good for his little pegs.

 If it was a Friday or Saturday night I would've just plucked him out of my bed and deposited him back in his own cold sheets before he could blink or moan at the injustice of it all but as last night was a Sunday and he had school today I didn't want to be that mean troll mother so decided to suffer through the torture.  I tried sleeping with my fingers in my ears.  Fail.  I tried pulling a pillow over my head.  Fail.  I tried gently shaking him saying "darling stop grinding your teeth" in my best 1960's sing song house wife mother of the year voice.  Fail.  He just rolled over flinging one arm across my face and kicking me in the ribs.  This went on for hours.  I'd just get to sleep and he would rip me out again with some revolting skin crawling teeth grind or an elbow to my face.  At one point during these never ending hours of sleeplessness I found myself squished on the edge of the bed, one foot on the floor, a dog on my other foot, a cat on my chest and the son star fished sideways across the rest of the bed.  At that moment I decided to make a stand, enough was enough and went and slept on his top bunk with his 26 soft toys.  Obviously the cat had enough too cause about 20 minutes later she joined me as well.  Unfortunately when entering his room I forgot to try and avoid the mine field of fucken lego bits littered all over his floor.  There really isn't any words to describe the pain that comes from tired cold bare feet connecting with a tiny green lego tree in the pitch black at 4 o'clock in the morning when your really not prepared for it.  A few thousand silent obscenities left my mouth as I climbed the bunk ladder.  A sailor would've been proud at the combination of swear words I strung together and still the rest of the house slept.  I'm such a good mother.
It felt like I blinked and then that little voice was saying "Mum why are you in my bed? Can you make me some cornflakes? I wish I could sleep with you every night!"