F You Period Hormones

 So had a bit of a fight with the Husband over the weekend.  You know the usual.  Hes wrong and I'm right but he doesn't agree.  Dick.  This, plus a busy weekend working together resulted in us not really talking.  Come Monday morning the air is still pretty frosty but the Husband gets to jump in a truck and drive off for a whole week away.  Yip SEEYA!  
10 minutes after the cloud of dust settles from his departure, I get the girly guilt's and figure I better send the inevitable 'make up' text and put the world all ok again.  So I send a nice text along the lines of "Sorry lets be friends, blah blah"...*crickets... Nothing, no reply.  OK I figure he's still mad.  Leave it.  An hour later I send another one.  Still Nothing.  God he's really mad, weird?  Sweetas, I can play that game too.  I've tried, now I'll leave it up to him.  2 hours later I start to get all stalker on it and send another one.  With each passing hour, I'm getting more manic and desperate.  Thoughts of "He hates me" "Hes bringing Divorce papers home with him" start to play out in my mental brain. Monday comes and goes with no communication.  I have the worst day.  I can't believe he's this mad.  The fight wasn't even that big? WTF? 
Tuesday I wake up with a headache from my crappy worry sleep.  I send another text and then resign myself to a life alone with 14 cats.  
Tuesday night the land line rings and its the Husband all chirpy "Hiii" he says.  "Ummmm Hi" I say back suspiciously.  He has rung to let me know he lost his phone getting in the car on Monday morning and a neighbour found it and could I go pick it up from them....ummmm OMFG the neighbour has probably seen the top two lines of each fucken text I have sent over the last 2 days!!! 
 I am mortified that a) I turned into such a mental teenager and that b) my neighbour has witnessed my manic break down!!  The husband didn't even realise we were still fighting?! I have just basically spent 2 days having a fight with myself?! 
I can't even bring myself to open my curtains in case I make eye contact with her.  I'm sending the kids over and digging myself a big hole in the back garden.  F@#k You Period Hormones!

I know I'm getting old....

I know I'm getting old for many reasons but a major one is because I have started to use those sucky-in-ey items of underwear.  I'm not quite at the big undie up to my boobs stage but my new staple secret item I came across at Farmers recently was a sucky-in-ey singlet and Praise the lord its amazing!  Just smooths out any bumps, lumps and frumps which I would usually blame on just having had a baby but considering the last one is 8, the reality of that statement is wearing thin.
Its genius because its long and stays down, no rolling up, even when having to bend over 2000 times a day to pick up my families crap.  It also squeezes the girls up for some much needed extra cleavage.  This shit is a miracle.
except.....
when I need to get dressed straight after a shower.  How many times have you tried to pull on a sports bra, knickers or anything sucky-in-ey when your skin is still warm and moist eww sorry I tried to think of another word. You get two arms in and your head sports bra not knickers for this example and then start desperately trying to roll the material down so you look like your giving yourself a double mammogram.  One boob in and still the back of your sports bra is rolled up around your neck.  You try desperately to bend your elbow high enough behind your back to reach the mother fucking material but not dislocate your shoulder, all the while you are getting hotter and sweatier in the process.  Its at about this point I start yelling out desperately for the nearest family member "COME IN HERE AND HELP ME BUT FOR GOD SAKE DO IT WITH YOUR EYES CLOSED!!!" its amazing how any other time I want 5 bloody minutes to myself in the bathroom to pee,  I've got kids coming out my ears talking to me through the door but when I really need them suddenly they're all sooooooo busy.
But when I finally get to the really unattractive, manic panic stage,  you know the stage like when your at a jewellery store and you try on a really expensive ring and it goes on sweet as but when you try to slide it off, your finger has suddenly turned into a sausage and it won't budge?! this is the stage when I start to consider walking out of the bathroom as is, to hell with the neighbours and causing retina damage to my family, to get the scissors from the kitchen and cutting this straight jacket off. Then just like that the back rolls down, god what a relief!  I end up having to lie down with my face on the cold floor just to get my breath back from the un-co zumba workout I just did.
That was the bra now the knickers....