Fifty Shades of Green

Yesterday afternoon started pretty innocently, just like any other really.  Picked up the 7yr old from school and headed to his library for a wee book sale.  Fill a bag for $1 the sign read. So fill we did.  All sorts of interesting titles have found a new home on his book shelf.
In the evening I was planning on heading to a besties house to help her fill in her annual real estate Christmas Card list for Clients on her data base which would also be a good excuse to drink bubbles and consume the chocolate she was enticing me there with as a reward for all our impending hard work and excellent penmanship.
I decided to jump in the shower before I left and was just starting the drying off stage when a little voice outside the bathroom declared he would sit outside the door and read me one of his new books.  I agreed that was a fabulous idea.  "It's a book about Frogs" he informed me.  "Excellent...read on" I replied towel drying my hair.
The 7 yr old is a pretty good reader but is still at the 'sounding out words we are unsure of' stage.  So it was a slow but steady story, plenty of time for my mind to drift....
"At the beginning of spring the frogs wake up and gather at the waters edge.  The breeding season, which lasts for roughly two months, then starts.  The male frogs inflate their throats and croak loudly to attract females, who grunt in reply and quickly join them in the water" at this point I wasn't really taking much notice of what he was reading so just threw in a "that's very interesting" and carried on getting dressed.....he continued "The male climbs onto the back of the female and clasps under the arms, his hands meeting across her red chest.  The male grips his mates slippery body...." at this point the words were suddenly sinking in as to what he was reading out to me...I froze in panic.  How to make this stop before he described in detail just how Frogs get jiggy with it or worked out just what he was reading and wanted to start asking questions.  Good God, I did not have time for this... with one leg in my jeans and frantically pulling on my top whilst yelling out "OK LETS LEAVE IT THERE...SKIP ON TO THE NEXT BIT, WHAT ELSE HAPPENS IN THIS BOOK"  I flung open the door, ripped the book out of his hands and flipped through another couple of pages until it got to the bit about what the bloody things eat and started him off there.  Close Call.

Oh look shes giving him a piggy back ride

Christmas Cake anyone??!!

Its a funny thing life isn't it?  My first ever sponsored post and its something I have never ever tried in my life.  Its not that I live under a rock but if you know me, you would no that I have very simple food tastes.  The husband is slowly working on me and I am trying new things, although the old saying "Don't tell them whats in it and they'll eat it by the box full" definitely applies.
I was very pleased when the nice people at 'Bakers Delight' contacted me asking me to sample and then write about a couple of their products.  I freaken love all their rolls, they stay fresh for longer.  My kids demand their Cheese and Bacon creation every time we pass and I have been known to devour their Garlic Bread Stick on plenty of occasions BUT when I read on and saw it was a Christmas Cake or Nana Cake in my brain my stomach dropped.  Don't get me wrong, I've had plenty of offers of trying Xmas Cake during my years on this planet but I have declined EVERY time as I just think of Old ladies and Tea Towels, and then head straight for the Jelly and fruit salad instead.  Only last year I tried my first slice of Pavlova! No Jokes! it was yummy but the texture was very strange.   So how on earth did I find myself replying to the kind email with an enthusiastic "Sure I'd love to!" but reply I did, so figured this was the universes way of making me get out of my box and give it a go.  Maybe at this point Bakers Delight are regretting their decision.  I'm very sure that if I end up not being a fan it will have nothing to do with the cake and more to do with my cave man appetite.  I also figured that my kids shouldn't wait until they are in their 30's to try some festive dessert so have roped them in to taste test also.  I have decided to video the whole thing for posperity and for honesty....gulp!

Thank You Universe

 Phew we survived the big move and we did it still talking to each other.  Success.  This move felt a lot bigger than any of the others and we have done a few.  It took 3 days of load after load, we hired a big truck and a couple of cash strapped uni students.  The poor ones work the hardest I have found.  I even gave them lunch.  They were in heaven.  Its so much easier to boss people around when they are strangers and getting paid.  Family and friends just don't take so kindly to being whipped and sworn at.  The animals and kids are loving all the wide open spaces although my chooks who up until now have been completely free range struggled a tad with the new concept of fences, they have a massive area but spent the first few days pecking the shit out of the wire trying to get out to us.  They have now adjusted nicely to being contained sometimes and roaming the acre the rest of the time.  Compromise.  Our new garden is way to big to be going hunting for eggs in all the bushes and we decided that with this house we wanted to be able to run around in bare feet and didn't want to be side stepping Chicken shit everywhere we went.  Lets see how my sassy girls cope with a couple of extras added to their flock in the next couple of weeks.
We were very lucky and had my mum come and stay last week bringing my gorgeous niece with her.  Mums idea of relaxing is weeding my orchard.  I tried to let her do her thing and sit inside reading my book but my guilt got the better of me and had to go and join her.  At one point during the hours of garden torture she said "Isn't this relaxing, are you having fun?" I replied with a resounding "NO, weeding suxs." but I will admit its a lot more bearable when your weeding with someone and it looked bloody good at the end of it all.  I actually had tried a week before to weed between some rocks surrounding our big lawn but its hard with only one hand and I kept spilling my wine so I gave that up pretty quickly.
The thing with being a bit rural is all the bloody environment that keeps coming inside.  Flies, Spiders big arse moths.  We may end up investing in a fly spray company before the years out.
On the plus side being rural means not having to shut curtains or lock cars, it means I can yell at my kids without the neighbours calling CYPS and its all so bloody blissful.

Thank you Universe

20 Day Montage

Its been Twenty days since my last post?? Twenty Days! That's ridiculous! My blogging absence has been noted and I thought I should explain and what better way to explain than with a photo Montage. Also it's quick and actually if I'm being honest its also a bit of a writing cop out but it's the best I've got at the mo until the big shift is done and dusted this weekend...so enjoy!

Wedding No1 of 7!! The messy happy one in the middle is the best man/my husband

A very fun and loud night out with my bbiittchhhes from Dog Watch

This is us at before mentioned Wedding...not so happy about how the light makes my forehead look alien like?!

This is my first ever 'Royal' experience...in amongst all that is Charles and Camilla at the A&P Show

A selfy of us at the wedding...the husband looks like he has a sexual innuendo waiting to pop out

Cup Day Champagne Breakfast...never underestimate the power of scavenging! We ended up with an extra 40 bucks in our kitty from race tickets and cold hard cash that drunk people dropped!

"CAMILLA..HEY CAMILLA I'M OVER HERE!"

STOP!...Nurdle Time!

You may remember a previous blog Slave Labour with a Smile.   Well I have found another miracle App for under 10s on my wanky iphone which has again made my children complete a must do job with a smile and no whinging! and the best bit this one is free.  So being the caring sharing kinda gal I am I figured I should Spread the wisdom and Share the love!

 This little goodie is making the task of Tooth brushing a wee bit of a party twice a day.

It first gives the kid a bit of a lesson in 'double thumbs up' brushing techniques then roks on in to timing two minutes of happy happy tooth brushing.   Its the same song they use on the ads.  Which for an adult could border on freaken annoying but since its for under 10s and its doing some major good for dental health I can put up with it.  Happy Days.

Once the two minutes is done then the kid earns 20 coins, which means they can either save them up or head to the fun shop and buy some funky threads for their little toothpaste blob.  I've never met a kid yet who can resist virtual coins or being able to spend them.

My 7 yr old wanted to brush twice tonight just to get some more coins!  He was bopping along to the sounds whilst foam was pouring out of his mouth.  Success I reckon!

Speed Job Hunting

I mentioned a while back that the Teenager is or should have been job hunting.  She has turned 16 and has a car so needs to start earning some $$ to keep her in the lifestyle she has become accustomed.
We had been subtly leaving the job section of the newspaper on her bed every so often and she had applied for a few online (as you do these days) but she hadn't really put too much effort into the whole thing.
Yesterday it all changed.  Straight after school she had a job interview at Cotton On Kids at Riccarton Mall, which she said went really well and also a notice was put in her schools morning newsletter thingy to say that the local Shopping Centre was putting on a Christmas Casual Job recruitment evening from 6-8pm for any students wanting to register.  They just had to be aged 16 and have a current CV.
I got busy updating and printing out 12 copies of her CV for her to wow prospective employers with.
It was kinda like Speed Dating but for Jobs.  All the stores that needed Student Casual Workers over the holidays set up little interview areas in the food court and the kids just went to any they were keen on had a 5 or 10 minute chat and dropped off their CVs.
She got rid of all her CVs with the likes of 'Cheap Skates', 'Glassons', 'Farmers', 'Cotton On', 'Factorie', 'Typo', 'McDonalds' plus others.  She said they all went really well.  She is quite lucky that she has had a bit of retail/sales experience working the shows and markets so that definitely came in handy last night.
I think it was a really cool idea of the mall to put this kind of evening together for both the employers and the students, its a great way for these kids to try out the whole interview process and for the stores to sort their Christmas staff out all in one go.  Just more reasons why we love this City.
Hopefully she will get 3 or 4 job offers out of this and maybe it will turn into something more permanent if she does well.  If it just ends up being a casual job over the holidays then its just great experience for her CV for the future.  Win Win.

Hallo-Wicked!!!!

 Halloween last night on our street was Epic to say the least.  I'll go as far as to say "Best Halloween night EVER" and all it took was one Canadian chick to pop a couple of fliers in all the letterboxes on her walk home from school and that started it.  It was just the push we all needed to get the creative juices flowing!

 In the morning once the kids had gone to school I said to the Husband "I'll be back soon, just gotta go get some last minute Halloween stuff for tonight"  His words to me were "Don't go crazy!" I just rolled my eyes and sauntered out the gate with wallet in hand making mental notes about face paint more lollies and pumpkin baskets.  As it turned out the Husband ignored his own warning as I knew he would and ended up spray painting whole new spooky street signs.  Instead of the actual Slater St and Guild St, his signs read Slayer St and Ghoul St complete with dripping blood and a scream mask on the lamppost.  It became the spot for all the dressed up kids to stand under and get photos taken all night.

 He also hung stuff in our trees and the teenager made fake blood out of golden syrup and red food colouring which decorated our footpath and with which the husband, now dressed up in the 7yr olds Stegosaurus costume,  made all the little kids dip their lollies in.  Telling them it was teenager blood.  They weren't too keen.

We had loud spooky Halloween music blaring and ended up refilling our big bowls three times to keep up with the demand.

Word spread and we would've had anywhere near 100 dressed up Trick or Treating little freaks wandering up and down our neighbourhood.  From 5 - 7pm it was like we were one of those Xmas lights streets that everyone goes to look at.  Cars were parked all the way along.  Pretty much every house had decorations outside it to encourage the spooks to come on in and get some lollies.

People had dancing skeletons and in one haunted house they had to put there hands in sludgy, squishy stuff for spooky gross feeling fun.  The kids had a blast.
Watching the kids running around in packs I'm not sure it was even the lollies that they cared about, it was the dressing up and seeing other peoples costumes.  They were loving sharing out the lollies and popping into every ones front yards to see decorations that made it the most fun.  It was loud and noisy and awesome to see so many smiling, laughing kids and adults crawling all over our street.

Back in my day

 A new page started on Facebook recently all about the town I grew up in.  Its such a memory trap.  All these random people I don't know but lots I do all putting in things they remember about growing up there.  Places we went.  Stuff we did.  Things we ate.  It was crazy for my brain thinking that so many other people had the same childhood as me.  Its a good thing.  I had a great one.
It felt Yellow and Warm and smelt like grass clippings and seemed endless.  Bare feet and Prickles forever.  A lot less houses back then so we made forts in the long grass on the spare sections with all the kids from our street and Neighbourhood.  Nobody seemed to worry so much.  We weren't worried about what we ate, or looneys stealing us, no concerns about the sun or head injuries falling off bikes. Kids fell out of cars when they were motoring down the road.  It happened.  No one called CYPS.  They just came to school in a sling with some wicked scabs to show off.  You got a day off school when your dog died and the whole class would send you letters and drawings to cheer you up.  Kids of 11 or 12 were jumping from a moving vehicle doing the milk run...Jesus now a days you can't even throw lollies from a float in the Xmas parade in case some kid gets run over.  Nobody worried about what age you were allowed home alone after school.  At primary school it was cool to have your house key in your bag cause your olds would be at work after 3pm.  The walk home was an adventure.  Nobody went hungry.  Apples and lemons off neighbours trees sustained us on the way from one place to the next.  If you suddenly turned up at the local dairy wanting to buy a years supply of 1 cent lollies your mum would be called to check you hadn't pinched it out of her purse.  People gave a shit about each other.  It took a village to raise a kid back then.  You didn't organise play dates.  We just bowled on in to a mates house and there parents would chuck you a piklet and point you in the direction of their backyard.
I wonder how my kids will describe their childhoods?

The one time its good to be a follower

One of the coolest things about blogging is having followers or looking down at the little squares of faces down the right hand side of my posts....I only have 7.  I love my 7.  But It would make me do a happy dance to have more little square faces.  Its not a biggie cause I know lots of you wonderful people follow by email which is also awesome but just doesn't show up as publicly.

I am also aware that some are having issues becoming that little face square so I copied and pasted from the blogger help guide to try and make the whole process a little easier.....

Follow blogs

Following a blog shows authors and readers of the blog that you're a fan, and you can keep track of the blogs you follow via your Reading List on the Blogger dashboard. Following a blog will also create a subscription to the blog in your Google Reader account.

How do I follow blogs?

There are several ways to follow a blog. One of the easiest ways is to visit a blog that has added the Following widget and click on the "Join this site" button under the "Followers" widget:
After you sign in with your Google Account (or another account if you so choose), you'll then see a popup window with the options to either follow publicly or privately.
Select how you'd like to follow the blog, then click the "Follow this blog" button. If you elected to follow the blog publicly, your profile picture will be displayed on the blog with a link to your Blogger profile or Google+ profile (if you've opted to link your blog to your Google+ profile). When you become a follower of a blog, the blog will also be added to your Reading List on your Blogger dashboard. You can become a follower of any blog or URL (even if the blog doesn't have the Followers widget) by adding the blog to your Reading List on the dashboard.

Good luck little Sheep x

Hello from Quitter Land

 I wanted to share with you the struggle I have had over the last week, or more precisely the last 4 days...or actually 4 and 3/4.
There seems to be a lot of dieting going on around me.  The Bestie has taken on the flash Cohens Program for the last 3 months and has seen dramatic results.  The husband was too much of a tight arse to follow suit so went and got a book out of the library all about 'Whole Foods'. He also has had dramatic results.  These results have not come easy.  They have been dedicated and have some fucken strong will power to resist anything convenient.  I should know I tried for 4 days to follow in their footsteps.  I wanted to support the husband and see if I could do it.
I am writing this from Quitter land.  I set myself a goal of one week and failed.
These past 4 days have been the hardest of my life.  No milk, No butter, No bread, No sugar, No preservatives, No additives, No Fat, No Oil, No pre-packaged goodies, No chocolate, No Chippies, No Alcohol.  I have just described my complete Happy daily intake.
Every second of each of those 4 and 3 quarters day I impressively made it til dinner time on the last day I thought about food.  Its not like I wasn't being fed good stuff, the husband was providing me with some pretty impressive looking dishes, dishes any normal person would've been salivating over.  But all my brain wanted was Fried Chicken and Hot Chips sprinkled with Chocolate Chippie biscuits all wrapped up in pastry.  That's the sort of random combinations my stomach was demanding when Spinach, Asparagus and Chicken mince was put in front of it.
I knew I was losing the battle when I cooked Chicken Wings for the kids dinner on the 3rd night, the husband was smart and went and hung out outside so not to see or smell the deliciousness....I called to him from the door "Help me, I'm in a crisis position, I can't resist the wings!!"  He just laughed and said "Why do you think I'm out here weeding the garden right now".  I held strong.  But I was definitely a gonna when I walked in the door last night and my nose immediately smelt the drumsticks/potato/gravy/corn casserole creation that was bubbling away on the stove.  I had 3 bowls full.  Dieting doesn't agree with me, ask those who have had to deal with my shitbagness over the last 4 days.  The husband was pleased I gave up so quickly, I'm not sure our marriage was going to survive another 3 days of no Cadbury in my system.

A night out in Wellys

I went to Wellington recently to hang with my girlies.  So so so so fun! The whole point of the trip was to take in some Kiwi sounds at 'the Accoustic Church tour' listening to Annika Moa, Holly Smith and Boh Runga weave their voice magic.  We thought The Church tour was just for the accoustics not for any major religo reasons but perhaps we didn't get the memo about once you enter this holy place you must sit up straight, be silent, wear old lady gloves and suck a lemon.  Maybe not the glove part but it felt very formal We got into town after stopping and picking up the girls along the way. We were a bit late doing the airport pick up for the bestie coming from out of town but you try organising that many chicks after a couple of glasses of bubbles.  It was decided that the best way to begin was with a quick meal at a pub just around the corner from the 'Old St Pauls' venue.  For three reasons.. it was close, it sold alcohol and the weather was shit-house.  This turned out to be not the best decision as it was also the meeting spot for about 600 bright yellow 'pheonix' supporters, all having a pre-drink or two before the big game.  If you can't beat em join em.  As we were on a time limit and there wasn't enough elbow room to actually eat anything I was passed a straw and told to drink up.  We dithered so long at the pub we ended up being the last ones into the gig but due to some serious pew jumping and dedicated seat sourcing by the cheeky accountant in our group we ended up with some pretty excellent seats near the front.  Unfortunately when you get five happy hungry chicks together, it tends to get a bit noisy, especially when two were singing along and one is trying to eat Crunchy Grain Waves as quietly as possible, this resulted in hysterical silent pew shaking cry laughter.  We were literally back in 3rd form in a school assembly.  The lady in front didn't take kindly to our naughty kid antics so spun round and threw a 'SHUT UP' back at us!  She didn't even begin with a stern 'SSSHHHH' she went straight for the jugular.  Harsh.  I mean Jesus it was a music gig not a bloody library!  Obviously the 'Church' environment turned all the other music lovers into uptight stiffs.
The second half thankfully let people put their imaginary bibles away and it loosened up a bit more.
Jeepers Anika, Holly and Boh have some pretty impressive pipes on them.  Goose bump material.
Once the music was done we realised how bloody hungers we all were so set off to find somewhere to fill our tummys...easier said than done at 10:30pm.  After much trudging we saw a beacon of light which turned out to be a fab little Vietnamese place with something for everyone and pretty decent prices.  $6 Cockage seemed reasonable for that time of night too.

The car ride home established just what appendage one friend is interested in and that there are other more interesting ways of saying 'and' Ampersand!  All in all a very awesome night out with some gorgeous lady friends. I miss your faces already!

All things technical

As I take a 'me' moment to blog a little, I am surrounded by 'stuff'.  Lists of things to do or people to call, spreadsheets to fill in, money to bank and warranty books to post away.  Sometimes do you just want to be like someone on the movies who is planning a dirty mid lunch shag on a desk and throw your arm out and dramatically push all the stuff on the floor to clear a spot? I feel like doing that but without the shagging end result.  I just want the clear surface.
But all these things once done will result in me being that few steps closer to securing our new piece of Aotearoa and what a piece it is.  Wicked Strawbale haven on 4000m of established gardens - real estate terms for a shit load of work but Happy Days cause included in the little Chattels list is my dream transport...a freaken ride on lawn mower peoples!!! Its funny how my family haven't wanted to fight me for the job at any of our other houses but all of a sudden I'm at the back of the queue for this one. 
The thing with buying a house is all the fiddly little stuff you have to do first...solicitors, building reports, insurance transfer, Lim...all these words are just making me want to fall asleep...bleh!
Its times like these I really wish my Mum lived next door, she is a demon packer.  That woman gets shit done!  I'm trying to con the husband into using a moving company so we don't have to rope 10 friends in and do 40 trips backwards and forwards but he keeps getting his frowny face on.  Its not looking hopeful.
It feels like an episode on 'The Block' where at the start they all like "ahh we've got ages to get this done, lets have a coffee" and then suddenly Mark Richardson will be calling '1 hour to go' and I won't have packed or anything..fuk!

Lesson #1

Whoop Whoop the teenager passed her learners licence!
It was all very sudden, we decided in between errands yesterday to pop into the AA and book her in and before she could say 'L' plates the man behind the counter said "Do you want to do it in 8 minutes?" I answered for her cause she was looking a bit shocked "Sure she would" I think she thought she might get a few days to worry about it first.  I had been quick firing road code questions at her for the past hour while we were at the mechanics and had put the fear of god into her for a good couple of weeks with stuff like "you better pass the first time, I'm not paying $96 for no reason!" and "I'm not having that car sitting outside my house collecting cobwebs, get your licence or I'll sell it" so figured she would be sweet.  And Sweet she was.
As a reward I let her drive the van home up our road and if I'm honest, I was actually pretty nervous putting my life in her hands.  True there was no other traffic on the road and it was only a 1 minute journey but still it gave me a glimpse of things to come.
7:30pm last night was the first official driving lesson in her new car.  The 7 yr old was very excited and bounced into the back seat.  "Put your seat belt on and sit back" I urgently whispered to him.
I drove her to the end of our culdesac and then she tentatively jumped in behind the wheel.
It's quite daunting teaching someone to drive.  Where to begin? We went through the gears and the importance of putting the clutch in when we are inevitably involved in some serious bunny hopping.
And bunny hop we did.  It was impressive to say the least but she didn't stall and managed a very impressive gear change into 2nd.  When I had recovered from the whiplash and my hysterical laughter, I looked around at the son in the back seat to see the most priceless shocked look on his face.  I figured he was going to call the whole thing quits and get the fuck out of dodge but once the colour returned to his cheeks and he started breathing again he ecstatically announced "I LOVE THE BUNNY HOPPING!!" I had tears running down my face from laughing so hard.  As her new car doesn't have power steering and we figured turning around was a bit advanced for her first lesson, she would drive up our street and then I would have to get in and turn the car around to start all over again.  I'm sure the neighbours were loving it.  My tummy muscles got a good work out from all the laughing and my foot was sore from pressing down so hard on my imaginary brake.  Luckily the husband gets home on Monday so I'll tag him in to take his turn in the suicide seat.

The Teenagers new ride

The Dance of the Doormat

It's Saturday morning, my sleep in day and I'm sitting here fuming! Again!
It's so true what they say about "Dogs having masters and Cats having Servants".
My kids are way old enough to get up quietly, get there own breakfast and blob out in front of Saturday morning TV without needing to disturb me.  Those clever children worked out from an early age that Mummy doesn't do mornings.  Unfortunately my cat 'Moon Goon' completely ignores that fact.  EVERY morning usually round the 5am mark she begins her daily torture training .  It starts with her leaving the 7yr olds bed and stealthily jumping up onto the end of ours, she will then pad up over my body and leap onto the top of our bedhead right above my face.  She will sit for a minute.  I can subconsciously feel her death stare but I pretend I can't.  Its like my first warning which I desperately try to ignore.  If she gets no reaction from me she will then leap noisily across to the top of my drawers and start systematically knocking shit off.  I then grab whatever is closest to me a pillow.. a book.. a dinosaur and throw it at her to get her to jump down.  She waits 5 minutes or so for me to fall back into a deep slumber and then begins the circuit all over again.  In my head I know that I should just get up and let her out the first time but I have this stubborn part of me that says "Don't be a victim to the cat, she will not win this time!" This continues for a good hour or so until I can't take it any longer, throw back my warm duvet, deliver a resigned "OMG Moon Fuck off" and stomp down the hallway with the cat miaowing lovingly through my legs and let her into the lounge.  Sometimes if the husband is home and he is in a deep sleep, I can nudge him forcefully and say "the cat wants out" and he seems to jump up on autopilot and go open the door.  I'm not sure he even wakes up.  Its awesome.  But as he is away 4 nights a week, so the rest of the time she just trains me.
Every morning I think tonight I'm going to make her sleep in the lounge but as she is coming up 19 and realistically we probably don't have heaps more time with her I just can't do it.  She's bloody lucky she's lasted this long with all her early morning wake up calls.

Roses are Red Violets are Blue...

These are some poems I have written for different events.  I wanted to include them in my blog in case I lose the bits of paper they are written on.

The first was my bridesmaid speech at my sister and brother-in-laws wedding....

For Cushla

 

Once upon a time Girl meets Boy

They have a quick pash

O Joy O Joy

They meet again 

with years gone by

He asks for her phone number

She says "nice try"

Cushla is cautious of this tall blond dude

cause he had a girlfriend last time they were in the nude.

He asks her 3 times

he's a persistent guy

Cushla thought I might give him a try

She decides to give this eager man a chance

and third time lucky he scores a horizontal dance.

Since that date they're future has soarn

New bed, New fridge, First house with a lawn

A Cat and some Ants

and yet to be decided just who wears the pants?

Now they are planning a wedding with so much to do

and Simon god love him just doesn't have a clue

Vows and Flowers

Bridesmaids and Booze

Table Cloths and Tie Colours

its all good news.

The Beach and the skate ramp

we'll all dance to the band

This wedding will be amazing

and its all by your hand

Your a busy girl, but you've always got time

for a friend in need and a bottle of wine

Don't ever change please

we love you, your the biz

We know to share life with you

how lucky Simon is

Cushla I'm so proud to be part of your life 

and I know you'll be Simon's most fabulous wife

For Simon

Simon Simon where do I start?

The YMCA, Cashel St, the house at Broadpark

Our flats were all feral 

but we wouldn't have had it any other way

I still love every second of it to this very day

In the winter it was three to a bed

with Hedgehogs running underneath

and Rats overhead.

Mushrooms on the bathroom floor

and Stolen locks off a flatmates door

Broken noses from a steel cap boot

late night missions bought home lots of loot.

The power was never on and the dishes weren't done

but when we had a party everyone had fun

Simon your now officially my brother in law

but you've always been a huge part of world and so much more

So to finish I send you both love, sunshine and light

and I know your life together will be perfect and right.

The next was for another Sister-in-laws Hens lunch....

For Becky

Here we all are

At Becky's High Tea

Some might say "your way to young"

Others might say "finally!"

Shes Aunty Becky to my little clan

We are forever her biggest fans

Shes clever with colours and fabrics and socks

Did you see all the cute toys she made and sold in the shops

Jamie and Becky up a tree

K I S S I N G

First came Wainoni Rd and Sonny

Then the kids, Forfar St and Pocket Money

She has learnt to fold tea towels in the correct Wilson way

And to first read all the different brochures on Grocery day

Becky is also one of those busy working mums

By day she teaches our kids to read, write and do sums

But when the bell rings

Off she must flee

To pick up her babies and cook them some tea

Now the wedding gets closer and feels o so real

And vows and rings will seal the deal

They're tying the knot, they'll be in Wedded Bliss

She'll be a Mrs and no longer a Miss

Soon you'll officially be my Sister in law

One Wanny, Two Wanny, Three Wanny....Floor!

This warm, caring, generous girl

Who is strong and funny and clever;

Loves shopping, Beautiful things, wine and her babies

From the 20th, will be Jamie's forever.

And so to finish, I send you love, sunshine and light

And I know your life together will be perfect and right.

This last one I wrote for my Mums 60th Birthday...

I figured I couldn't get away 

without doing a poem for your birthday

Mum your usually the one in our family to do speeches

so I hope this one, your standard it reaches

Welcome to Mums Birthday Weekend

A woman we all love and on who I depend

A mother who consistently put toast under my nose

in an everyday hope to get me in my school clothes

Mum was amazing and bought all the best food

And even when we were ratbags

I don't remember her in a bad mood

We had trips to the river, the beach and the pool

No seat belts, No sunblock, No helmets, one rule....

Be home when the streetlights come on before dark

So we'd race on our bikes from the school or the park.

I remember her sitting with a smile or fear on her face

as she endured yet another ballet recital or stock car race.

Me and Dean are now grown and have our own families born

Mike, Tayla, Ems, Hols, Rose, Indy, Ben, Pippa and Sean

So now mum is an awesome Nana to seven

And those kids think your sent straight down from heaven

Lollies, chips, ice cream and jelly just to start

Sante biscuits and fruit cake all play their part.

You and dad are always first in line

to watch our kids and help them shine.

You sit through sports and dancing, nothings too hard

From concerts in the family room or climbing trees in the front yard.

Number 4 Coleman St is where we all belong

Just like how Dave Dobbyn sings "welcome home" in his song.

Your an Aunty, a Nana, a sister, a wife

I would be lost without you, your the light of my life

So to finish I send you love, laughter and light

And I hope all your wishes come true when you blow out your candles tonight.

Eye Spy my Sanity

My post the other day got me thinking about my car and the things that go on in it.  A friend of mine to make me feel better after baring my soul to you about my man belch confessed that she is a dedicated nose picker when inside her vehicle.  It did make me feel better.  Grot Bags Unite.  Its a funny thing the old car, its like once you shut those doors and turn the key you feel like your in some weird 'Get Smart' bubble, forgetting that your actually surrounded by windows and unless your all gangsta and have tinted those bad boys you have to remember that if you can see other drivers then they can see you.  So when a good song comes on the radio and I become 'Katy Perry' then I shouldn't be totally surprised when random strangers start pointing and laughing.  Luckily for me I usually have 3 Children to control my madness and in particular a son who doesn't say a word but gets his feelings across just by giving me the most disgusted look whilst leaning over and turning the radio off.  He can be such a buzz kill.  That control of the radio is one of the biggest rewards for fighting to the death to get to ride shotgun by my kids.  As soon as I start to move towards my bag and pick up my keys the shouts begin "CAN I BE IN THE FRONNNNNTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!" they then bolt out the door, hurdling animals and outdoor funiture to get to that coveted position of having the first hand on the car just to seal their spot.  Cries of "THATS NOT FAIRRRR" "HE WAS IN THE FRONT LAST TIME" "BAGS THE FRONT ON THE WAY BACK" assault my ears 1000 times a day.
Maybe I need to assign Front seat jobs like having a little bottle of spray and wipe in the glove box and the kid in the front has to wipe down all the surfaces and clean the window or maybe that person has to hold my microphone/banana for the entire journey? 
The other thing that drives me to drink although not in the car obviously is that the 7yr old feels like he must be entertained the whole journey.  30 seconds after pulling out of our street he is all like "What can I do?" "This is boring" "I'm hungry" I've had to go cold turkey on his ass because the first thing he was doing once settled on his throne in the front was to rifle through my bag to find my phone and play games.  Now to be honest it was awesome. He was quiet and left the radio alone but I had this nagging mother guilt that he was starting to become a iphone junkie and this was proven when I astounded him by saying "No you can't have my phone" he just looked at me like "are you fucken crazy lady?" and then spent the whole trip obssessing and whining about not having it.  I started to have wonderful visions of stopping and tying him to the roof racks.  So to take his mind off it we went back to playing old school car games like 'eye spy' but if I have to guess one more "I spy with my little eye something beginning with BBD" (answer = Big Brown Dog!!) or referee whether or not that car was white or silver during 'Car Cricket' we may never make it home again. There's really only so many red cars you can count without feeling like driving head on into one.  Next car ride I will probably just go back to giving him my phone, he and I both know I can't keep up this brady bunch shit much longer.

Pardon me

 Today was one of those days when there seems like there's so much to do and not enough time in the day to do them.  I had worked all morning filming lectures at the uni and had to quickly race home to grab my t-shirt and gumboots to work the afternoon at DogWatch which meant eating my lunch on the run whilst driving from one to the other.
Picture this..I'm driving along listening to the radio, beautiful sunny day so I've got my window down, singing along to Pink 'Blow me one last kiss'.  I'm stopped at a red light so took that opportunity to scoff down a banana.  Now lets be honest no one can eat a banana without looking a wee bit dodgy so combining my starvation and singing at the same time I downed that naana pretty bloody impressively.  Because of this quick consumption I ended it with a surprisingly massive burp.  A burp that any beer drinking man would've been proud of.  The sort of burp that even I thought "Holy Shit that was a big one" I then heard a snort and looked over to find a smiling man staring at me from the inside of his car which was stopped beside me also parked at the lights, he said "Good Effort Shelley!" Damn you personalised plates.  So fucken devasted!  The lights couldn't change fast enough!
I don't know if I was more embarressed at the burp, my singing or the fact that someone saw me inhale a banana like some housewife on a porno? I know it will be one of those moments that I will keep reliving everytime I close my eyes over and over in my head like some mental nightmare.
To that man I apologise that the universe decided to time our days to meet in that particular moment, I'm sure it was a great story to take back to work with you *sigh